They ordered to take me again the medicines, I took, but something no longer it did more sense and I marked my internment for Monday after the Carnival, March 20.
On the 19, Sunday, I woke up and said: don't I want to go into, do I know that help exists for this, because I don't go look for her? I didn't use anything during the whole day, I called 102, for the line of help and I went at the 6;00 PM in Saens Peña group, almost crazy of abstinence and fear.
This time everything that they spoke did sense, seems to not be the same I have known 16 years ago, or it was me already gotten much sicker, then I lifted my arm without hesitating. A fellow talked about use of hospital's drugs and this gave me the certainty that I didn't have to have taken drug "illegal" call to be addicted. They told me that was the disease of the still, then I was still in the legality, I had a chance of not worsening more my life.

From there I went for another group with fellows and I attended the more two meetings. My first day clean: March 19, 2006, number of meetings in the day: 3.
On Monday I returned, and it was like this, 96 days and more than 115 meetings,a marathon ...
I went for Hospital and Institutions committee with 15 days clean, only to learn plus, with workshops, I went as listener, it was very good, I breathed recovery, despite of being suffering still to too much with the abstinence crisis...
To release the amount of drugs that I used, from the night to the day, without internment in a recovery clinic seemed dangerous, but I knew the 12 Steps, I knew that was possible... What didn't impede me of being on the edge of the total madness...
I arranged a person soon to share my feelings, she turned my 'godmother' later and it tied day and night, dawn, the Any hour, to the shouts, crying and asking for help because I was with a lot of physical and emotional Need of the drugs, but I didn't want more to use... The most terrible was then, as the food, I needed to take 4 mg a day of Rivotril (clonazepan) with the anti - depressives and anti - psychotics that was maintaining my psychiatric disease under control.
These last ones were not problem: Anti depressants (fluoxetine, sibutramin) and anti psychotics (Quetiapine, mirtazapin) take weeks to act, there is no possibility of being addict of them, they don't give any comfort in a short or medium period...
Only if you doesn't know about it and create a psychological dependence, but it was not my case, I knew each thing that I took, exactly...
A thing for make me crazy: I needed a minimum therapeutic dose daily of the medicine of the type of which I had dependence. It could be any one with the same active effect, but in therapeutic dose it could not be drug, it was a medicine.
Then you can see why the madness comes, as with the food: you know the limit between hunger and when it is already compulsion is difficult, sometimes the limit is very tenuous... And if I was addicted, as it could use in small amounts the drug that the one was of almost all my 43 year-old active?
I begged to the doctor that removed me all benzodiazepinic but he refused, he said that it was not safe, my instability was very big, I oscillated crazily, even with the other medicines acting, he spoke that there was not possibility to be without this this minimum dose.
I asked for change the medicine, he laughed and said: you know perfectly all these are the same, the trade name doesn't make difference, mainly for you that knows all of them...
I went to hear another opinion and the answer was the same, I needed therapeutic doses of the drug that had caused myself dependence in high degree... Did I begin there to questioning my addiction, as I could be addicted taking 4 mg of benzodiazepinic a day? Everything was or anything, as good addicted, I wanted extreme solutions...
There my godmother gave me the pamphlet "In Times of Disease" that explains that there are people that need to use prescript medicine and while they follow the exact prescription without manipulation they won't be acting in addiction disease pattern...
Complicated as the food, as the compulsive expense: How many shoes should a 1 year-old child must heve? My oldest daughter had 20 pairs of shoes in 1989; today I know that was absurd but when I bought compulsively I didn't noticed that she would not use nor 10% of the shoes that she had, because the foot would increase before.
If I was user of "illegal" drugs my limit would be more visible, but like this, the maneuver margin and manipulation was very big and highly dangerous. I needed to ask help at Home, I would only have in my hands the two tablets of the benzodiazepinic of each day, every day AND nothing else.
Most of the time my husband left the two tablets but, sometimes, he forgot and I didn't left any, making me perform a lunatic searching in all of the corners of my house to find the medicine, and there when I found, I had to pray a lot, asking God for only to catch one tablet... For many times I was to the edge of taking a whole box with 20 tablets......
They suggested me that my husband kept the medicine in lots of two tablets, and it disappeared with the rest (he took with him for the work every day 2 rivotril boxes...) that, just in case of he forgot to leave any, he would tell me where it was and I would only have access to the two squalid tablets... Then, if I took the two squalid tablets at once only, knowing that I would not have any other for the night, it was something that didn't work to me, two squalid tablets didn't give me wave, the sensations I was looking for: the apparently tranquility the drugs seemed to give me and the absence of the one of the night would leave me awake direct; therefore having only the two squalid tablets it just guaranteed to me I would follow me the prescription literally...

Set exclusively designed by GK Ann for The Garden of Friendship
All ideas, concepts, and content including text, content and graphics 
are owned by The Garden of Friendship and its members unless otherwise noted
and should not be taken or duplicated without express written consent
Copyright © 2000 and Beyond. 
This is not linkware