Addiction
(Criccia)
I was a child with serious problems "Psychiatric - psychological" and, since
the 6 years of age I deal with drugs. These should have served as treatment, but for my nature of addicted, them
if they turned my Prison.
From the first natural remedy they gave me when I was 6 years old to get to
sleep and to stop seeing things in The dawn, from this inoffensive first
medicins, I became slave, dependent. My parents gave me the dose recommended by the doctor and me, in the dawn, without to get to Sleep, terrified with my internal ghosts it took one more spoon, and more other.
The incredible was that at that time, the culture on medicines was quite
incipient: my parents were Of the area of the health, they had superior level, but thalidomide, that drug that gave for pregnant Women and that generated deformed children out for the world had been thrown in the year in that I Was born, 1957 and it was alone for the middle of the decade of 60 that the doctors began to Render more attention to these medicins It was not then of finding strange that my parents accepted my high
consumption of the remedy.
I went growing and worsening of the "Psychiatric problems - psychological"
and soon it Already took diazepam that nor they were controlled at that time... I
developed a terrible Habit of walking with the medicines in my bag, the where I went they were with me, and I began her Use them in an indiscriminate way to each "negative" incentive, to each fight with my sister, to each Problem that had at the school.
I began to have TOC (I upset obsessive compulsive) to the 4 years of age,
and, as my annulment (the things that I had to do repeatedly) rituals they embarrassed me a lot, I used the medicine to try To avoid to pass the whole class repeating my rituals... I always went a brilliant student to weigh of This everything but he/she lived reared, he/she didn't have a friend, it suffered a lot with the solitude, I was an ET that removed high notes, but that suddenly when turning off a wrong word, the simple Crumb of the eraser me jog
The day passed complete in the pedagogy service, close to the educators and
psychologists that Made to feel safer. I made that during my junior high one whole, but as my
notes were high nobody Had as doing anything, especially because, I went of doctor in doctor and more and more they Gave me sedatives, nobody knew anything about psychiatry / psychology, nobody understood my Symptoms and they doped me, simply and me, addicted, it developed the dependence more and more for the drugs.
I had a terrible childhood, dominated by the fears and for the drugs and I
arrived in the adolescence ~ already completely chemical dependent and
totally messed up. I continued without having a single friend. I continued
being excellent student also... Was this dichotomy absurdly impressive and
for many times I tried myself solemnity to suggest to stop feeling him/it
what it felt, since I was such powerful cognitively, because it could not
control my feelings?
And with drugs and rituals I went living, with an immense pain inside of me,
any friend and any conscience that the use of the drugs was taking me to a
deeper well than I could imagine. I went to the technical school of
Chemistry and to enter in the laboratory it took a cocktail of coffee with a
lot of sugar, coca glues and diazepam, and not always it got to be until the
end. I had several "poisoning" crises and I almost had to release the school
because now the crumb of the eraser was more dangerous, they were substance
real chemistries, and in my madness I fled door out and when the teacher
sought me I was already in the point of the bus leaving.
Unnecessary to say that started to use drugs more and more, written
prescriptions for more and More doctors and hipper doses for me everyday, having gotten like this to finish Physics university In Uerj, to MBA in CBPF (Physicist research centre) and begun to give classes in (university) Uerj when I was 21 years old.
At This point I already took an average of 6 times the dose of medicines
recommended a day, he/she made therapy 3x in the week, he/she didn't have a
friend, only lovers to the hills, skirt of a relationship for other, was
never alone, and I began to present besides TOC that didn't release me
compulsion for robbery, food and game, besides the obvious, of relationships
I was 21 years old teacher of an University, making powders, it was
beautiful, thin, intelligent and absurdly inadequate and and unhappy.
And this situation only progressed along the years. To the 27 I got married
and I only remember the marriage because of the film, I was totally more and
more doped of medicines strong... Some doctors tried, in this time, to
remove the medicines but there was not turn for me, I didn't work without
solid doses of medicines that, usually, they would make a person to sleep a
whole day.
I needed them to work, and even so it worked badly, with a lot of panic and
TOC more and More strong. To each new crisis I increased the doses for me same and this
went going in an Absurd (today I know) progression and me didn't feel bill that had turned
myself a dependent total of drugs.
In 1987, I decided to become pregnant, a planned pregnancy, but my father
had prostate cancer And in 4 months I won 16 kg, I already became pregnant obese, using drugs and my father died in My second month of pregnancy. Obese, doped and deeply unhappy I dragged my immense belly And I also had a lot of luck of having a normal childbirth and a normal child, using medicines during The pregnancy, it was a lot of luck even. After becoming mother them thing they worsened because I now was afraid for me and for Morgana than I used that more to try to appease the fear and the pain.
Morgana had Avery hard first year of life , she lived in the hospital and me
totally drugged but working... Of the doctor for the hospital for work, home
and take more medicine... In this phase I already used 10 times prescribed
her a day... It stole my mother's $ when it went visit her did small thefts
in drugstores, it played, he/she ate and I wanted to die everyday.
In so many of suffering I glimpsed the possibility to live a day of every
time. It was the first light beam in the end of the tunnel and the Real
beginning of my day of the First step: the admission of the impotence before
all my drugs and all the disarray of my life, I process that that only
settled definitively there are one year and 3 months ago when, after having
admitted my defeat for the compulsion for the food, for the compulsive
expense, for relationships, for game and for relationships no sexual with
women.
After having gone to a meeting of TA (Toxic dependent anonymous) 16 years
ago and not to have been for total identification lack, I arrived in IN THE,
defeated, with a destroyed marriage, survivor of a cancer cursing the life,
with a 17 year-old daughter running away from home for not supporting me and
another one of 10 years that I badly took care, such era the amount of drug
that I used. And I never thought the drug went problem, for me was my only
way to get to live... A horrendous life, retired for the psychiatry since
the 35 years and for the cancer to the 42, a poor woman, full of
solemnity-mercy and destroying everything to my circuit.
I arrived in IN NA 1 year ago and 11 months taking 40 times the suitable
dose for the doctor!! The disease is progressive and incurable, the years that passed in the other programming helped me to admit a lot of compulsions and to work my ódios and to do some repairing. With certainty they also helped me to survive to the cancer, to the separation living at the same house for one year, and to continue working in spite of the whole pain. Toc was controlled by medication now appropriate, the appeased depressive crises but the borderline diagnosis it was a terrible bale, and The drug use only worsened, but I didn't get and nor it thought should stop. The drug already gave effect bounces, me, that I was always aggressive, now already he/she attacked my husband physically and it was attacked by him as answer, will stop in ready helps several times in the last year before arriving in IN THE and annotating my brother (dismissed musician) in the police as aggressor, for not having to put my husband in a complicated situation, that had been provoked by me.
I came IN for NA for not having where to go, it still thought the drug was
not the problem in itself, but I stopped, I made him/it suggested, I stopped
and I returned. I believed in IN THE!! Yes, I stopped, 1 year ago and 3
months (tomorrow), I stopped using and I began the hardly process of
admitting my Real and total destruction for the disease of the addiction in
all of the levels.
Next time I will speak about this 1 year and 11 months and 1 day in that am
saving my life a day of every time and of the terrible process of admitting to remove the last and more powerful drug and to face face's life clean... Hope you have understand me, I am not an English native speaker.
Anything you want to ask, I am here...
